Crossroads

For years I moved through life at Mach II with my hair on fire…and now I find myself in the unlikely crossroads of stillness and chaos.  I have been still since February, after moving into my new house haven.  I have Maggie the Bassett Hound, Flick and Mo–the cats that let me share their house, and I have a heavenly back yard….and I simply LOVE being home, but I am in need of finding a new job…thus the chaos side of things.  I have not actively searched for a job since 1980…I have simply shown up to work, and after 10-13 years been approached with a new job opportunity.  Now I need to rediscover the energy of a 20-something and enter the market, and I am so uncertain which road to take. So, instead I ponder.

i am wishing I could go back and repeat my first two jobs,  but with the wisdom and shall we just say, more laid back, lower ego approach God’s grace has handed me over the recent years.  To be able to bring the same energy with less of the sense that every day I have to prove myself to be better than I really am….all the insecurities wiped away, leaving room to be a kinder, gentler and sweeter ball of fire.  As I reflect back on decades of work on behalf of others, I don’t remember what I did well, I remember those moments I didn’t do my best….didn’t extend the grace of God, but instead pressed only my position.  I am reminded if I Corinthians 13…”.if I give away all I have, and if I deliver up my, body to be burned, but have not love, I have gained nothing”…I want my life to count for something more than a tally sheet of wins and losses…accomplishments and accolades…I want to enjoy more time at home, and bring others into this peaceful place…and I don’t want to work 60 hours a week, whereas I used to thrive on that schedule.  My worth is no longer rooted in what I do, but sealed in who I am…and to the One who sends me out….so, at this crossroad, I find my answer is in asking the right question…where am I being sent?

i will let you know what I hear :)

The waiting room

I am sitting with a friend in an oncology infusion room filled with people.  I am a witness to the scads of individuals who are waiting to be infused with a potentially life saving cocktail that destroys the good and the bad cells along its path.  Death to life... I am but a witness...not a participant and yet I feel the anxiety, the palpable tension of both those who are hoping for a new day of hopefulness, and for those quieter souls ending their journey with resignation and acceptance.  I am compelled to try and make a difference.  I am of course helping my friend by simply being here.  But there is more to be done....and it occurs to me that every day with every encounter we bump against individuals who are either in pain, just coming out of pain, or headed into pain.  It is inevitable, unavoidable...it is the universe we live in for now...so, what will I do to live out love with each encounter?  Will I idly and complacently let the world's pain wash by while I convince myself that I don't need to reach out because I am busy, or will I open my eyes and seek the wounded whose pains aren't so obvious as those in the room around me.... Sometimes, the simple act of a smile makes the difference in someone else's journey...anonymously delivered flowers, a homemade meal...a ride to the doctor, a card in the mail.  Any of the things that have made a difference in my journey.  If you see me along the way, and my life isn't being poured out as an offering, gently remind me of this place, this time...your gentle smile will say it all.

Disheartened

I have three broken fingers, but the pain is nothing compared to the heavy feeling in my heart. I live in a community where fewer than 5 percent of the population is most vocal, and closed minded. Today I sat through three hours of a hearing at the Zoning and Planning Commission of Lakeway. Recovery Ways was seeking a special Use Permit at the Lakeway Regional Medical Center. I have spent the past two months attempting to correct the massive amount of misinformation being constantly poured out by a combination of those who are simply uneducated about what an accredited treatment center does and those who are clearly saying NOT IN MY BACK YARD. If they won't permit Recovery Ways In a medical center, it sends a clear message that this community has no intention of allowing a medical rehabilitation facility to operate within its borders. The rhetoric and ludicrous comments made today pain me. I know that God is bigger still, but I don't like being in a community where the law doesn't seem to have a place in the process. Recovery Ways had a Permit By Right taken from them with no due process, and when they voluntarily moved to a medical center, that wasn't good enough. Daily, individuals in our community are denied treatment for addiction because there are not enough beds to serve the need. Residential treatment for professional adults is needed...it is part of love thy neighbor. There was no risk associated with this facility with such high standards of operation, and if anyone had taken the time to see that since their operations began in 2010, there has been NO trouble in that community, rather there have been improvements associated with recovery.
The silent majority needs to find their collective voice.

From the sideline to the firing line

Well, being charitable sometimes has tangible benefits. Remember my new friends from Utah who got tarred and feathered by my fellow citizens a couple weeks back? They hired me to consult for them as they continue their efforts to locate an addiction treatment facility in our fair city. And they have already sent the first check. I would have helped for free...but I am happy to have the income. I have met with the City Manager, the Mayor, and have begun to schedule meetings with the rest of the council...
I fly to Salt Lake City first thing tomorrow to see their organization and meet more of their people.

But as exciting as that is, it is not why I am writing. February was a brutal path of twists and turns, and here I thought 2012 would be a cake walk following 2011...but already I see it is purposeful that I would have the temporary jarring. Mental anguish will cause me to take long walks. Something I had been unable to do the latter part of 2011 as I slowly healed. But now I am out, mostly alone, and I have noticed the many older preople who live in my community. Their faces etched with the decades of twists and turns. Mostly alone...occasionally an older couple holding hands, but by far, most are alone.

In years past, I hardly gave notice to this part of the population as I passed them at Mach II with my hair on fire. But now, they don't look as old to me as they once did. And they don't look as curmudgeonly, rather they appear lonely more often than not. Spouses who have passed before them, children who have moved away or just moved on...and they are alone...so I stop and say hello...and pat myself on the back for that small offering. Yeah, I said it. I was proud of myself for offering a mere hello. Even now I can hardly stand to admit that to my laptop, much less to the one or two of you who may read this.

But there is more. In facing my own mortality, I realize each day we experience is an experience someone else may need to share. So, I am turning my ear to my newly discovered population of experience. Ok, some of them really are curmudgeons...we don't chat too long. Others are tea dates waiting to happen. I am wanting to know these founts of wisdom. I am signing up for a community service group that will occasionally drive individuals to doctor appointments, change light bulbs, sweep the patio...and in doing so will become richer still. I will be sure and share the experiences with you...there is someone out there reading this isn't there?

Standing For What Matters

Sometimes sitting on the sideline can't be an option, even when you are amed only with reason and your challenger carries a bomb. Tonight I sat through a community meeting because a company is bringing a recovery/ treatment center to our quiet community...ok, I say quiet, but I think I might be more accurate to say my raging community.
The individuals who came here from Utah on a moments notice to provide accurate information about what they do and don't do were met with heckling, shouting, called liars, and treated in a most uncharitable manner. I was pretty frustrated that my neighbors were so rude...and were content to remain ignorant...and did I say, they were enraged?
Going into the meeting I wasn't sure of anything except that I couldn't sit this out. The previous two days were a flood of bully emails circulated through our community email service (that a tireless individual voluntarily maintains). It was obvious that the most vocal in the community were not at all informed.
To be fair, the community was responding in fear, in ignorance. But the problem is, they wanted to maintain a mob mentality, and under no circumstance did they want to hear anything that didn't confirm or affirm their fear.
Why did I not sit on the sideline and let the company take their public throttling and get on a plane and go back to Utah to figure out how to move forward? I am not a lawyer or a city official...I can't speak reason to a frenzied crowd...nobody can. Mind you there was nobody there who could be made happy under the current scenario of this company coming into their back yard, so why am I ok with it?
Because I know we have a need here. My friend buried her 17 year old daughter after a heroin overdose...my neighbor is a recovering alcoholic...because I would rather have an addict in treatment than Know they are driving down my street in an altered state without a place to go for help.
Moreover, because the Christ in me is tired of pretending that social justice is someone else's job. I would trade homes with the neighbors who are afraid. If I had the resource, I would buy their homes and send them off with a blessing. But I can't do that. What I could do, I did. I extended southern hospitality to the fine folks, truly lovely people from Utah. I apologized that they were treated so harshly when they had followed every rule and law in purchasing the land and getting the appropriate permits.
I shared a meal with them, my new friends...I simply did the next right thing...I stood for something...I stood for civility, for reason, for being decent. That was not the norm tonight, and that bothers me.
So, while I will not become an activist, I will be more mindful to take a stand for what matters, and to me, treating people with respect matters. Extending grace matters. Speaking truth in love matters.
Stand for what matters...the sideline has enough representation.

A Peach Among the Pairs

So...it is the month for expressive Love...romance...Valentine's Day.  Egad!  I have to admit, seeing that on the calendar is akin to a goblin goosing me at Halloween.  The world screams reminders of how alone we are when we are not paired up with the soul mate of our dreams.  And the tendancy is to perhaps feel very misplaced in a world of couples when you are single...
However, it is important to have a little perspective before sliding down into the pit of lonliness.  First, I have (and I am sure you have) far too many fabulous people in my life to ever make the claim I am alone.  Secondly, I wouldn't trade places with too many of my friends who are in a relationship...they are really hard work!  And most importantly, I think that whether or not I am involved in a relationship with a man I love and admire has little bearing on how I should view myself any day of the year.
So, why the second guessing of being alone when Valentine's Day rolls around...why feel like a giant billboard has been erected in the universe advertising that the world is made for pairs and not individuals?  Because Hallmark likes it that way...
What then shall I do?  Bemoan that I will not get that special Valentine and roses and fabulous dinner OR, send out cards to the wonderful people who have blessed my life?  Real tough choice...NOT. 
I am reminded that I have invested deeply into the lives of people, and the return is always there.  With few exceptions in a lifetime, my friends have not 'broken up' with me, or unfriended me.  There are, to be honest, those who have, and for them I send a prayer and a blessing and hope that they are well.
For the rest, I send this wish, that 2012 would give us quality time together, whether laughing, watching a movie, taking a hike, traveling, or deep in conversation.  I would have you know, I am grateful you are part of my life.
So rather than feel like a thorn on the rose of February, I celebrate being a Peach Among the Pairs.

Here I sit, another day..
A peach among the pairs...amd secretly hoping that it will not always be that way, but knowing I will be just fine if it is.

Rolling With The Flow

I am at the Gulf for the weekend. Just an opportunity to reflect on a bit of a beating my body took in 2011. What is my takeaway?

Like the river that flows through the base of the canyon-cascading and falling over the rocks...onto the shore...never stopped by the barriers that rise up on all sides.
The river changes course and even gains momentum after crossing each obstacle that rises in its path. My life is like the river flowing through the low valley-veering and steering over rocks and through narrowed passages-finding a new course that will lead to the ocean of my tomorrows.

As the river empties itself into the mouth of the bay-becoming one with the ocean-so will I empty myself into something much bigger than myself.

2012 calls me to live large, hold to my faith, and leave the results to God.