Crossroads

For years I moved through life at Mach II with my hair on fire…and now I find myself in the unlikely crossroads of stillness and chaos.  I have been still since February, after moving into my new house haven.  I have Maggie the Bassett Hound, Flick and Mo–the cats that let me share their house, and I have a heavenly back yard….and I simply LOVE being home, but I am in need of finding a new job…thus the chaos side of things.  I have not actively searched for a job since 1980…I have simply shown up to work, and after 10-13 years been approached with a new job opportunity.  Now I need to rediscover the energy of a 20-something and enter the market, and I am so uncertain which road to take. So, instead I ponder.

i am wishing I could go back and repeat my first two jobs,  but with the wisdom and shall we just say, more laid back, lower ego approach God’s grace has handed me over the recent years.  To be able to bring the same energy with less of the sense that every day I have to prove myself to be better than I really am….all the insecurities wiped away, leaving room to be a kinder, gentler and sweeter ball of fire.  As I reflect back on decades of work on behalf of others, I don’t remember what I did well, I remember those moments I didn’t do my best….didn’t extend the grace of God, but instead pressed only my position.  I am reminded if I Corinthians 13…”.if I give away all I have, and if I deliver up my, body to be burned, but have not love, I have gained nothing”…I want my life to count for something more than a tally sheet of wins and losses…accomplishments and accolades…I want to enjoy more time at home, and bring others into this peaceful place…and I don’t want to work 60 hours a week, whereas I used to thrive on that schedule.  My worth is no longer rooted in what I do, but sealed in who I am…and to the One who sends me out….so, at this crossroad, I find my answer is in asking the right question…where am I being sent?

i will let you know what I hear :)